Chicago, February 2009 Posts

Letters and Thoughts written in February 2009 in Chicago.  A difficult time... painful for all involved.

The purpose of our visits to the psychiatrist is to help you deal with the new realities of bipolar illness, to remove stressors, to adjust medications, and prevent another psychotic break like we recently experienced.  The past is less important than the future.  We can’t change the past but we can affect the future.  Dwelling on perceived injustices is like driving a car through the rear view mirror and waiting for another crash. 

During these past two weeks I have felt like Jake Lamatta taking punch after punch from you.  I have told your mother that if you took 1000 children and rated the love and caring that we gave our kids we would be # 1.  Unfortunately we are not perceived as such by you.

Lets set the record straight.  Two weeks ago I received a phone call from you telling me what a great father I have been and that you understand and appreciate everything that I have done for you and that I should not worry about you.   I was cooking your mother lunch when you called.   I was puzzled by the call and I wondered what I had done to deserve such sudden praise.   Maybe you appreciated the fact that we did not question the $2100.00 a month credit card bill that we have paid since Marshall arrived in Chicago.  Maybe you appreciated how we drove up from Florida with a carload of yours and Marshall’s stuff and helped you set up your apartment.  (It was $900.00/month prior to that.)  I patted myself on the back for not questioning your judgments.  That night we got the hysterical call from you in which you insisted on speaking Spanish to your mother.  You called your grandmother three times and she hung up on you three times because she could not recognize you.  You understood everything and that you were going to cure the world of all its ills with your love.  You denied having problems with sleep when I asked you directly.  You denied having eating problems.  We called Marshall on his cell phone and asked him if anything was wrong.  He stated that you were just under a lot of stress and everything would be alright.  We told him that we were very concerned and that we were ready to come to Chicago because you sounded manic.  We told him to watch you carefully until we could come and help.  Marshall left you the next morning.  Your mother called him the next day at work and convinced him not to leave town.  You sent out e-mails to friends which made them concerned about you.  You called numerous people who feared for your well being.  Your mother and I came to Chicago as soon as possible.  I contacted Dr. Gottlieb who instructed me to have your friends Yvette and Joe to take you to Northwestern Medical Center Emergency Room.

Friends have told us that Marshall isolates you from them.  Friends have told you that you have attended 28 rock concerts given by a group called Disco Biscuits.   Disco Biscuits means ecstasy according to the urban dictionary.  Drug paraphernalia and bags of marijuana were found at the apartment.

Frankly, Danielle, I am not surprised that you tried marijuana in college.  I am surprised that you have bonded so strongly with an individual who has exposed you to LSD, ecstasy and marijuana used daily.   An individual who has a mental illness of his own, who spends his money traveling to rock concerts to procure drugs instead of paying for health insurance and getting the help that he knows he needs, who left my precious daughter by herself when she was in great danger, and who has a history of being involved with a women who was gang raped at his fraternity.   What am I supposed to do Danielle?  Sit back and applaud?  Wait to see your tragedy air on 48 Hours on TV?   Accept his apology and feel sorry for him because he had to spend a Sunday without getting high?

Meanwhile, you continue to focus on what you perceive to be my problems.   You had an idyllic childhood, Danielle.  Your biggest gripe is that your mother and I did not let you screw up when you were under our roof.  When you went to college we were not overprotective.  We respected your judgment at all times.  We gave you our car and when you wrecked it we bought you a new one.  We kept our promises and when you turned down a full scholarship to the University of Miami School of Law we did not flinch but stepped up  and supported your decision.   Yes, you have said that you are grateful, but your other statements and especially your actions contradict that.

I said it before and I will say it forever… You have meant everything to us and we have done everything in our power to help you and your brother.  You have had it much better growing up than me, my siblings, your mother and her brother had.

What scares me the most is your lack of insight.   You have so much going for you, Danielle.   Your mother and I are behind you as long as you respect yourself.

Now, having addressed the reason your mother and I  are in Chicago I will address some of other problems not directly related to recent events…

1) My drinking was excessive when we vacationed with our family on Longboat Key 5 years ago.  I passed out and EMS was called.  We hid the details from your grandparents.  I apologize.  I will also admit that I drink more when you are home.  Perhaps you can help me on this one.   I admit that we have had problems in our relationship.  But, you have often been very rude to your mother and I.  I have had to bite my tongue so often it is a wonder that I can still speak to you.   And worst of all is your frequent statement,  “I know what you are going to say, Dad.”

2) You spent your first grade in public school.  Your mother and I volunteered there and witnessed children who did not get appropriate guidance from home in your class.  Your teacher had to spend most of the time teaching those unfortunate kids the basics that you already got at home.  That is why we sent you to Saint Michaels Lutheran School.  By all accounts except your own (in the hospital) account you thrived there.  Think about all the positive things that happened there… Trips to New York and Washington, ballet recitals in which you were a star.  You were very well prepared for the IB program in Fort Myers High School.  You never gave us a clue that you were persecuted for being Jewish.  Had you done so you know that we would have been in the principal’s office the next day.

3)  We have already dealt with the issue of your parents’ prior divorce.  There are many things that we choose not to share because sharing might do more harm than good.  Your mother and I did not see the need to give you this information.  We are both sorry that we did not tell you ourselves.  We did not lie any more than you lied by not telling us about your persecution at Saint Michaels Lutheran School.

4)  Actions are more important than words.  Your Uncle Carlos did his best to destroy your grandmother.  He drove Dore Designs into near bankruptcy,  trashed the home that his mother sweated to build for him, abused his cats by locking them in the house and forgetting about them and then getting thrown in jail several times.  Now, there is a real alcoholic.  Why don’t you give him some of the vitriol that you reserve for your mother and me?

We are and have been more than talk for you for almost 25 years.  We don’t just tell you that we love you.  There is more to love than telling someone that you love them.  We walk the walk. 


Now, having got the past out of the way, lets look to the future for you, Danielle.  You are at a crossroads.  You are young, beautiful, intelligent, articulate, and organized.  You are very angry about still being dependent on your less than perfect, caring parents.   You have an illness which may have been caused by the drugs to which you have been exposed.   You live with a man who by all accounts uses/ used more drugs than you, has psychiatric issues of his own, and has a history of letting his partner down at critical times.   Your parents would have to be idiots to send you for psychiatric care without insisting on random urine drug screening.

Love,

Mom and Dad


February 25, 2009

Dear Danielle,

After being up here for a month I think that I am finally beginning to understand a few things.  Your mother and I have been blaming Marshall for your destructive behavior and drug abuse.  We have always held you on a high pedestal and we could not accept that you would do such a foolish thing on your own.  You have told us several times that it was your decision and finally, yesterday it registered with me.

I forgive you for making those bad decisions.

Remember when you wrote me the note,  “Just think Dad!  If you were eight years old wouldn’t you want to go to Disneyworld?”  Well, I am going to use the same tactic with you.

Imagine (I know that it is hard) that you had a 23 year old daughter, Debbie who  phoned you from 1500 miles away.  She sounded awful, incoherent, and unable to protect herself.  She lived with a man named Morris. 

You spoke to Morris and said,  “Morris, Debbie sounds awful.  What is going on?  Is she taking some of the medicine that you take for your ADD?  She is manic.  We are WORRIED, Morris.  We are thinking of dropping everything that we are doing and flying up to help her.” 

Morris says,  “She is just under a lot of stress, she will be OK.  I stopped taking that medication.”

You say, “She is not OK.  She is in danger, Morris!  We are flying up!
Don’t leave her.  Here is my cell phone number.  Don’t leave her!  Call me if anything changes.”

Morris leaves for work the next day without calling you for an update.
Debbie’s friends arrive at the apartment and find Debbie incoherent and take her to the emergency room.   Information about Debbie comes from Debbie’s friends.
How would you feel about Morris?

Morris then covers his tracks by erasing files on Debbie’s computer.

How would you feel about Morris?     I am still having trouble with this, Danielle.

Everyone’s personality has a sunny side and a dark side.  We try to let the sunny side out to show to others and keep the dark side hidden.  In other words we try to “cover our asses.”

One of the advantages of living with someone is that a good partner is that they  can help you cover your ass.  (Your mother has done that with me for almost 25 years.)  We ask their opinion and we get another perspective and then make a more informed decision.   Mom judges me constantly.

Let me give you a simple example of the dark side.  Remember when your mother and I drove to Fort Lauderdale to pick you up  and take you back to Fort Myers for your plane trip back to Chicago.   Marshall’s father was driving that same day past Fort Myers to attend a football game in Tampa.  You elected to have your mother make an unnecessary round trip on Alligator Alley so that you could be with your lover another couple of hours.  Your response to my discovery… “I was worried that you might find out, Dad!”  Where was Marshall in that decision making process?  And Debbie Nyman, she is a saint because she “does not judge me.”

I love your sunny side, Danielle.  I was looking for it a few days ago when I was in the Chicago Cultural Center.  If there is one thing that I am guilty of is not seeking out your sunny side more often.  We used to find it all the time at Ben and Jerry’s.